King of Fakers
by Delusional Fishies
Summary: It was all a misunderstanding. Crack.


I do this for fun.

-o-0-o-

Crash, boom, there it is again.

I'm back, I'm back, back in this shithole of a city. It wasn't always like this; I once saw in techni-color. But that was then and this is now. You all know who I am, and you all know my story. Everything is dark, in black and white and light and dark shades of gray that are just little crisscrossing lines of black on white. The air once smelled of quality oak, satin drapes, and all the luxuries of life but now I taste nothing but ash on the tip of my tongue.

Disgusting.

Distasteful, disgraceful, and a thousand other insults. I want to throw them all around, wildly, at everything. It's my suicidal style, after all.

But then comes in the light of my life, the only thing that still has any color in it. It brings some kind of energy into me just to see her again. In this chilling night air, under this unwanted moonlight, Tohsaka's red clothes stand out in my vision and draw me in like a torero. Chest still flat as usual, that's my girl.

In the blink of an eye, she crosses the room and her fist impacts upon my skull before I could pick myself from the scattered furniture. "Inelegant like a gorilla, as always."

I am rewarded with another hit.

Shit.

"I said that out loud, didn't I?"

A vein bulges on the side of her forehead. I wasn't sure if that sort of thing happened outside of animation and manga. She leans in, her face a facade of calm beneath that porcelain smile, on the verge of cracking. Both of her seemingly delicate hands reach in and pull.

I blink as I find myself lifted off the ground.

"What do you think?" That smile hasn't moved. Ah, classic Rin.

"I think... this will be a war to remember."

-o-0-o-

It all happens again, mostly according to script, to a point. That Idiot is nearly killed, Rin saves him, and so on.

Saber charges out. Lancer is just a step ahead of her.

This time, she yells, "Come back and face me, King of Molestors!"

Just like-wait, what?

"It was just a misunderstanding!" Lancer yells, tears welling up in his eyes. He is a truly pitiful sight, so different from the rugged man I knew so well. He turns about, just as he should, with his spear out. "Hear me out! All I said to her, that one time, was my spear is hard for her! Like, I was excited to take her blow!"

Saber's face was set like stone. "Enemy of women!"

"No-wait, I meant, in a fight!" Lancer dodges and thrusts with his spear. "See? And all I did was pierce her with my spear!"

"You..." A droplet of blood leaks from Saber's lips. She licks it away. That was a menacing look, for a tiny British girl.

"You're digging yourself deeper," I mutter aloud.

Lancer hears me. His spear quivers and lowers as he meets his fell man. "Oh, hell, I'm not fighting both of you, I've got enough legal fees to pay as it is!" He jumps away, using his agility to disappear into the night.

Saber turns to me. "You allowed that enemy of women escape. Who are... oh, I see." That's new. "King of Fakers."

I blink. "How...?"

It was then that the Idiot intercepts his Servant. I won't be out of the game this early, it seemed. I suppose there's a first for everything, but I'm not thanking that Idiot.

-o-0-o-

"You seem to know me," I say to her, after all is said and done. That line of conversation draws both Tohsaka's and that Idiot's attention.

Saber, on the other hand, only turns her head, miffed. "Of course. You are the best counterfeiter in all the lands, the King of Fakers."

Seeing the way our audience watched me, I couldn't help but feel a moment's pride grip my heart. Sardonically, I grinned and winked at Tohsaka from a side, replying, "Well. I suppose I should know you too, then? Are you not the-"

"AHHH!" Saber jumps up, over the table, and into my lap. She was lighter than Tohsaka, I noted, but the surprise was enough to knock me onto the floor. Both of her hands covered my mouth and her head swerved from side to side, watching that Idiot and Tohsaka with the vulnerability of a Chuunibyou who didn't want to listen to her past. Ah, shame. How delightful.

"... What?" Tohsaka was the first to respond.

"I-It's nothing! Nothing, I say!" Saber declares, with none of the authority of a King and all of the shrillness of an adolescent girl caught red-handed.

Red-handed doing what, I wonder...?

"Saber, is it really nothing?" That Idiot asks, genuinely concerned.

She nods vigorously, "Yes! Yes! Shirou, it's best if no one knows my identity!"

"But it seems like I do..." I interrupt through her dainty fingers. Ew, they've begun to sweat.

Saber stares down at me, then back at Shirou, and then down at me again. She picks herself up slowly, dusting off her skirt with ritual elegance and a rush of prana covers her in her gleaming armor once more. Her sword covered in invisible air appears in her hands with a rush of wind that makes a mess of the living room and kitchen, and she stared stonily down at me, unblinkingly. "It seems like we cannot be allies, O King of Fakers."

"W-Wait, Saber!" That Idiot grabs her by her waist. "Please! I don't want anyone to die, so don't kill him!"

She frowns, "But Shirou, how do I keep him silent?"

"You, uh..."

"Oh, for crying out loud! Shirou, just stop her! Saber, it doesn't matter what your title is, it's going to be better than 'King of Molestors' no matter how you look at it." Leave it to Tohsaka to take charge of the situation.

I smirk from my comfortable position on the ground. "Hm, but perhaps Saber should simply share what she doesn't want her allies to know. We are your allies, aren't we?"

It was like seeing a flower wilt, sped up. Even her ahoge drooped. Saber whimpered pathetically, "Y-Yes..."

Though, to be honest, I don't see what's so bad about being King Arthur. "So, what's so bad about-"

"I am the King of Eat-and-Runs, Shirou," Saber muttered in that sad, Disney-forest-critter way. "I-It's just a misunderstanding, you see?! I didn't mean to, it's just, when I was alive... um..."

"E-Excuse me?"

At that point, I crept outside, so that I could grab a camera. This was something you don't see every Grail War.

I also used that time outside to laugh to my heart's content.

-o-0-o-

"-And you see, onii-chan-"

Leave it to that Idiot to interrupt a new character's dramatic introduction, "Wait, Ilya, right? Why is your Servant bald?"

"S-SHUT UP! I-It's not his fault he became known as the King of Enhancement-Drugs-Users!" The platinum blonde girl shrieks. She stomps her pretty little feet in place as her Berserker curls up into a ball, moaning something incoherent. "It's... it's those stupid scientists! They went and dug up one of my Berserker's clothes and said they found traces of HGH! They probably planted it there themselves!"

"O-Okay...?" That Idiot is smart enough to start backing up.

"It's not my fault everyone assumes that means Berserker abuses steroids! He grew this big naturally! He's one hundred percent natural, I say!" Ilya bites down on a handkerchief and growls, "That's it! I'm going to kill those scientists! COME, BAHSAHKAH! Don't you dare move, onii-chan, I'll be back!"

-o-0-o-

"Where's Assassin?"

"He's the King of Shut-ins. Where do you think he is?"

"Oh."

Well, that was no need to worry about that.

-o-0-o-

By the time we got to Rider, I was already getting sick this shit. I haven't laughed this hard since... well, since ever. I was really getting sick of busting my gut at every familiar face we met. I think I already lost all of Tohsaka's and Saber's respect for cracking up as much as I did, but I couldn't help it.

"And what are you supposed to be?" I muttered in wonder. She didn't look any different and didn't act any different, so unlike the previous few we met.

Matou Shinji leaps out of the shadows and waves to Rider with none of the grace of a showman and yelps in his just-hit-puberty voice, "Behold! My Servanto! The King of Thieves!"

I blinked. That sounded half-way legitimate. "... Really?"

"No." Rider replies in her monotone, "Only motor vehicle theft. It was a misundersta-"

"Nooo!" Shinji whines. I never understood that part of him, why did he ever whine? He should be having the time of his life. Instead, he grapples with Rider's leg and cries, "No, no, no! You're not supposed to say that! You're supposed to say grand theft auto!"

"Why?"

"I already explained! Because it's cooler!"

I threw my hands up in the air. "Alright, I can't deal with this. Saber, tag-in."

-o-0-o-

"Huh."

"What?"

"How come you aren't using your Gate of Babylon, O King of Heroes?" I wondered aloud.

He blinks and very nearly starts crying too. "I... oh, wow. I haven't heard that title in millenniums. But, well, I don't really want to let anything go, you know?"

"Is that why your cloths are so old and filthy?" I asked out of morbid curiosity.

"What? No! These are the very height of fashion! Besides, how could I part with such fine fabrics?" He growled, somehow insulted by my question.

I shrugged. "Let me guess. You're the King of Hoarders. Isn't that a psychological...?"

"NO! It isn't! And nothing Kotomine says will make it right!" He yelps.

"So... say you found a treasured blade. What will you do with it?"

"... Why do you ask?"

A sword appeared in my hand. Ah, Durandal, my old friend. I dropped it on the ground.

There was a blur.

Then all I saw was Gilgamesh huddled over my copy, "FINDERS KEEPERS!"

"Ah." I nodded in understanding. "Tell me, King of Hoarders. How many blades can you catch?"

-o-0-o-

We were at the pier. Nice, relaxing fishing. Mm. Nothing but crashing waves and sea gulls to accompany us.

"Hey, hand me a lure, will you?" I asked Lancer.

"Get it yourself, you lazy bum." He rolled his eyes, but there was no chastisement in his tone. We had become buddies, like we always do.

"Don't make me walk to the police box, Mister Molester." I chuckled.

"Oh, go fuck yourself, King of Fakers. Just make a fake one."

I hummed. "Hm. I can't. I'm not that kind of faker. Must be some kind of misunderstanding, I imagine."


End file.
